Monthly Archives: August 2013

rescue breaths.

We were sitting in the cafe, two chairs turned towards each as we talked about Jesus, grace, and her. Our voices quieted down into hushed tones as we leaned in closer, talking about our stories and the redeeming power of grace.

She paused, asking if I had read Isaiah 61 and when I couldn’t remember if I had or not, she did something I least expected. Instead of telling me to read it later, she pulled out her phone (yay for technology) and found the translation she was looking for and she began to speak life over me.

Verse by verse, she read to me and showed me how it applied to my life. She read each verse slowly, letting the words sink into my soul as tears started to form in my eyes. She spoke with conviction and power, breathing hope infused words into my gasping heart. People in my life have been quick to offer well-intentioned scripture passages for me to read, but no one has taken the time to read them over me and breathe my story into their words.

And it’s in moments like these when the doubt and fear I have over moving here and starting over quiet down, and I know. I’m exactly where I need to be. Living by the ocean as it sings a song of healing to me.

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my soul has found home.

It’s quiet here, but not in the usual sense of quiet; there is always music playing and people talking and laughing but it is quiet for my soul. It smells of eucalyptus and spearmint and it feels like hope. It’s more like a place of healing rather than a spin studio; a mind, body, and spirit studio designed to bring Christ into every part of a person’s being.

I came the first time because a friend asked me to come with her and the class was okay but nothing magical. Completely donation based and Christ centered, I decided to give it another try, this time coming to the flow/yoga class. Thinking it would be an hour of easy yoga, I got more than I expected.

You see, papa broke me here. He shattered the walls I had built around her and knocked them down, rushing into those places of raw pain and I cried. It wasn’t a quiet and calm cry where I continued with the class- it was the deep sobs that knocked me to my knees for the entire class. An hour of flow became an hour of prayer. But the best part, not once did I feel awkward for crying and the instructors came and prayed over me as well. It was unlike anything I ever heard of. It was unlike anything I have ever experienced. It was as if I had found home.

I’ve been to many other classes since then and usually I spend half of the class in tears and prayer but I’m okay with that. Because sometimes, in the midst of deep pain and confusion and frustration it’s good to have a place I can come and wrestle with papa. Papa and I argue here. We wrestle and we get angry. But we always leave closer and together. I love that I have people I can trust here, the owner, her reminders to breathe and to trust have been ointment to this troubled heart. Even just coming and sitting in here brings me closer to Papa.

And for now, I’m okay with the fact that this is my church. In moments of wrestling, it doesn’t matter to me what the building looks like for church, it matters that I find Papa and ask the questions I need to ask. So this is my church, and this is where healing takes place. This is where my soul has found love.

On why I feel I’m not allowed to grieve

l have no neat words to explain what I am feeling. No words that will wrap everything together in a nice neat package tied with a bow of healing. This is messy and painful and hard.

You see, I don’t feel like I’m allowed to grieve the daughter I lost. I didn’t have a miscarriage. She wasn’t still born. She didn’t die in infancy. I had an abortion, an abortion of a baby girl that I actually wanted to keep. My baby girl that I knew I was pregnant with before I ever took the test, my baby girl that I knew her name and that she was loved from the beginning. But I was young and scared and I couldn’t keep myself safe, much less her. But no matter the circumstances surrounding her conception, it was a choice that I made. And because I had a choice in it, I don’t feel that I am allowed to grieve her in the way a woman who has lost a child is allowed. I worry that I am discounting their grief, that I am insulting their pain. I worry that I am being disrespectful of their legitimate pain and grief.

But even with my feelings of inadequacy, this pain is overwhelming. It comes upon me suddenly and takes my breath away while knocking me to my knees. The pain of wondering what could have been is like a knife being stabbed in my heart. I don’t know what to do because my feelings betray my thoughts on this and I don’t know how to make the work together. Except… I wonder… Just maybe… It’s okay to grieve?

Just maybe I am allowed to miss my baby girl. My would be 6 year old. Would she have my blonde hair and sky eyes? Would she love hugs and books? And then I think of the questions I don’t know how to answer: do you have any children? Or when people see me around kids they assume I have some of my own and ask how old my children are. Once, I almost answered (without thinking) she would be six. But people don’t want to hear of babies that are no longer here. Especially when it was a choice I made.

And so I sit here with pain and hurt and questions. Words spilled on this page, messy and broken, no closer to answers than when I first began. The only thing I know to be true is that I miss her and I wish she were here. I pray that she is in heaven. I pray that she isn’t suffering because of my decision but with the nightmares that have recently come, I really don’t know if she is in heaven or hell. I just have pain and hurt. And so I’m stepping way out of my comfort zone to ask you to please stand in the gap for me. Because I can’t make it through this alone.

beloved

beloved,

you are beautiful. you are precious. I delight in you and I long to see your face.

sweetheart, talk to Me. that’s all I’m asking. you don’t have to have the “right” words, you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to have it all together. I want you to come to Me just as you are: lost, heartbroken, beautiful. you are beautiful. you are precious. do not hide your tears, bring them into the open so I can wipe them away. you are loved beyond all measure. I will never leave you or hurt you. you are My Beloved and I love you.

My sweet child. nothing you confess could make Me love you less. get it out. tell Me the deepest and darkest parts of you. I already know them, but I long to hear them from your lips. I want to hear your broken words bring light into the darkness. I will never leave you. I will never love you less. you are My Beloved. I have chosen you. I will never let you go.

I am not mad at you. I have not left you. you are not alone my child. as you lie in bed all day crying because you feel lost and alone, I am there. I am lying next to you, holding you in My arms. I will never let you fall. come to Me. trust, Beloved.

you don’t have to take away the parts of you that you believe are bad, I want all of you. I want the bruises, the hurts, the brokenness- I want all of you. I want the smiles, the laughter, the tears, and the anger. I love you always.

I do not expect you to be perfect and I don’t want to take control away from you. for I am patient and I am loving. I will wait for you, but most importantly, I will wait with you- calling out to you, asking you to come closer to Me. asking you to trust Me. put it down sweetheart, you don’t need it anymore. not when you have Me to hold onto. these things you are doing to push Me away, won’t make me leave. I’m not going anywhere.

I’m not mad at you. please stop thinking you have to fix yourself before you can look at my face again. you must look at me in order to change anything. these things you are doing to push me away won’t make me leave. I’m not going anywhere. let me hold your hand when you are doing them and they will be burned away. please stop running from me. I don’t need you to be anything other than what you are. I see you. and I just want you to let me love you. why are you running? why are you trying to earn what is already yours?

I will never leave you. you can’t push Me away. look at Me.

look at Me.

I won’t let you drown for I love you beyond all words. you are beautiful and pure in my sight. I love you

forever and always. 

Papa