the messy.

I’ve made so many attempts at writing a post, a nice and neat post that is honest about the fact that I am grieving and yet still wrapped up nicely with a bow of faith. The truth is, there is none of that. Sure, there are moments when things are good but for the majority of the time, there is pain and hurt ands doubt. The grieving process is messy. And it is far out of my comfort zone and yet it is needed for the honoring of her. So I am sitting in the messy.

Yesterday I spent hours surrounded by paint, brushes, paper, and tears. Carried through the pain by messages from women who are willing to sit in the messy with me, I finally started a project that has been on my heart for a few months. I’m making a book for Addie.

It’s taking me months to start this project and talking to Beth helped me realize that I am not alone in my desire for grief scrapbooking things. All the pink and cheery things I found were just too much for this grieving mama. And so I found a plain book, something I can make my own- something I can make for her and I started the process. Right now the process looks like baby steps of paint covered legs and tear stained cheeks, but at least I have started.

I have a daughter. A daughter that is sitting in the arms of Jesus because I was a young mom trying to protect her little girl. A daughter whose name I long to be able to say freely without feeling like I have to choke out the syllables- Addison Cale. But baby steps.

For now, I am leaning into the messy and into the arms of the women who have surrounded me with love and prayer; mamas who understand the pain of loss and ones who don’t. But in all of it, they understand this mama’s heart. A heart that misses her baby girl.

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