I’m full on in the messy. Not in the pretty artful, colorful, paint covered hands messy, but the tears, cries, and shattered things messy. This weekend I was able to hold off the worst through paint and letters but it is catching up to me. The sleepless nights, nagging memories, doubts and fears are attacking at full force. And I know satan is enjoying it. I had a massive panic attack before walking into my safe place tonight. Nothing should have triggered it but panic slowly began to build up and by the time I finally left, I was still shaking. I am still shaking.
I’m still shaking and holding in so many thoughts and feelings that I am afraid to voice. I have written a few of the things down but I am terrified to give voice to them. But I know I need to because otherwise it holds so much power over me. These things that I try to run from that are starting to fight against me with a vengeance. And so I sit here, shaking, but praying and asking in the midst of my doubting.