I’m full on in the messy. Not in the pretty artful, colorful, paint covered hands messy, but the tears, cries, and shattered things messy. This weekend I was able to hold off the worst through paint and letters but it is catching up to me. The sleepless nights, nagging memories, doubts and fears are attacking at full force. And I know satan is enjoying it. I had a massive panic attack before walking into my safe place tonight. Nothing should have triggered it but panic slowly began to build up and by the time I finally left, I was still shaking. I am still shaking.

I’m still shaking and holding in so many thoughts and feelings that I am afraid to voice. I have written a few of the things down but I am terrified to give voice to them. But I know I need to because otherwise it holds so much power over me. These things that I try to run from that are starting to fight against me with a vengeance. And so I sit here, shaking, but praying and asking in the midst of my doubting.

One thought on “panic

  1. Rebekah Hope

    Um, wow. I feel this. I experience something very similar. For no apparent reason the panic builds up throughout the day. I push the thoughts away, try to forget the memories. But then I find myself shaking on the floor of a bathroom trying to remember to breathe through the panic.

    In the very brief moment of silence I had early in the week, all I heard Him say was, “The dark things lose their power when you bring them to the light.” I know it’s true. But it’s such a terrible fight to bring them into the light.

    Lets fight through this together? I’m with you.


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