I’m writing my own bible.
Blank brown pages are slowly turning into colors of hope. Questions are being asked and answers aren’t always given, but I’m leaving room to breathe. Making this bible feels like I’m finally breathing again. And so I spend my nights surrounded by glue and paper, cutting and pasting my heart into a work of faith.
Instead of finding comfort and peace through the words written in the bible, I am finding judgment and anger. And that’s not working for me right now. So I’m walking away. I’m walking away from the hurt and pain and finding a place where I can ask questions. I’m creating a safe place full of words that stir me. I’m allowing god to inspire me and show me her love through different ways. I want to feel as if I am someone god delights in. So I’m letting her shower me with her love, and I’m recording it all down.
I’m walking away from church in the usual sense as well. I don’t want to run from seeking god, but I do want to run from her family. And I believe she understands this. I believe god understands how hard it is for me to stand next to her family and feel like such an outsider. An outsider who longs for god to send me love letters under the door when I’ve locked myself in the bathroom crying tears of frustration. An outsider who longs for god to be big enough to handle the “god-dammits” and “fucks” as I work through my anger.
So I’m finding church in the unexpected. I’m finding church in the flickering flame of candles dancing across the walls. I’m finding church in handwritten letters, sent with love. I’m finding church in baking pumpkin muffins and celebrating birthdays. I’m finding church in the unexpected. And this type of church, this unexpected freedom of worship, is healing the brokenness inside of me. It’s allowing me to ask questions and find freedom.
And so here I go. I’m on a journey. I’m on a journey to find god and fall in love with her all over again. To find out if I believe in god and how I relate to her. It’s a journey to find a god that is bigger than religion. It’s a journey to find joy and acceptance. It’s going to be wild and it’s going to be difficult, but I believe it will be worth it.
I’m writing my own bible. And I believe god is okay with that.