It’s dark right now. An all encompassing and suffocating dark. A dark that is filled with silence and fear and in that fear, I have been pushing everyone away. I have been pushing away community. I have been pushing away friends. I have been pushing away writing and reading. But most of all, I have been pushing away love. And to be honest, I don’t know how to stop. I am just starting to see that I am fighting against the good, but when another sleepless night comes along, it feels easier to revert back to my “I’m safer and better off alone” mentality. And the energy and strength it takes to send a text asking for prayers (as my lips have forgotten how to pray anything other than “help”) causes me to need to crawl back into bed and sleep.
Sometimes, words aren’t enough to take away the fear and anxiety and the pain that the start of a new year can bring. And when the word, “naked” chose me for the year, I didn’t expect it to hit so hard. From learning to accept myself to being honest about what is going on in my life (even the messy and broken), naked feels like it is my undoing. But I have to believe that while I feel as if I am falling apart right now, I have to believe that there is hope around the corner. I have to believe that I am not alone in this. I have to believe that words will find me again. I have to believe that I won’t be able to push everyone away; that there will be a few that are willing to sit with me in the dark. Until then, I will sit in the dark and cling to the gift of grace that I found last year as I wait for the light to come back.
Because I need to believe that it will come back.