Sitting in the dark

Hey baby girl,

Right now I’m sitting on the floor keeping watch while the kids I nanny fall asleep and my heart aches for you. You see my love, they are only a couple of years older than you would be and sometimes it breaks my heart. Tonight, the wind is howling outside the windows and they are scared, and so here I sit in the almost dark, standing guard so they can fall asleep unafraid. And I wonder, would I have done the same for you?

I wonder if your hair would smell of strawberries and if you would tell me secrets in soft whispers as you are falling asleep. I wonder if you would still ask me to crawl into bed with you and hold you right when the monsters in your dreams feel too real. I wonder if we would have face pancakes for breakfast or if you would insist on using glitter on all your school projects.

Baby girl, while I miss you always, the ache of not having you here has hit me hard today. And normally I try to stand in the ache alone, but tonight? Tonight I’m going to so something different. Tonight I will ask some of my friends who know you (and who know my love for you) to stand in the ache with me. And maybe, just maybe, though the ache will still be there, it won’t feel so alone.

I love you forever and always,
Mommy

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4 thoughts on “Sitting in the dark

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